one week today

Today has been one week since we drove to Coral Springs and left Maxwell at the intensive behavioral group home.  I haven’t really addressed my feelings in writing so I thought I’d do that now.  Its taken me this long to compose myself enough to do so.

I ache, deep in my bones, its an ache so great that if I had to put it into words its the only analogy I can arrive at.

Long ago, I gave in to the fact that despite my best abilities and the abilities of numerous therapists and doctors, Maxwell wasn’t getting better.  Something big needed to happen.  Some giant change needed occurring so that he and his siblings could have a better quality of life.

I have learned a lot in this week.  Who cares….Who my true friends are….and the judgmental jerks who think I am a crappy mom or giving up.  Yep I have had them, and honestly I don’t have time to worry about what other people think of me.  I have made peace with myself, my decisions and what has brought me to this point.  I don’t know how long this stay will be, or if its permanent, but as a parent, its the worst decision to have to make.  Its also hard to watch your child bang his head all day, bite his hand, strip naked, potty on the floor and have no meaningful form of communication.

I want more for him.  He deserves better.

Climbing this rock wall of life..barefoot, covered in baby oil.

Praying for chalk as not to slip.

-Amy

 

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