Though I have used this blog title twice before, sometimes its necessary. Sometimes only Penny, Brain and Inspector Gadget have the answers. I have been awake for about 19 hours and I am exhausted and won’t proofread this and it is likely fully of mistakes…. It’s been awhile since I have blogged and haven’t felt super compelled to, mainly because between work and travelling down to south Florida, my time and energy have been put elsewhere. I don’t know why..it doesn’t take me long and I always feel better after I write. If you’re just stumbling upon this blog, I am a mom of 4 boys, 3 have autism..one of my boys is so severe he is in a group home and my neurotypical child is in drug treatment. BUT those are actually good things because it took a long time for that help to happen. I blogged and vlogged for years about my struggles and my blog was hacked and many of my blogs and vlogs lost. Another reason I haven’t felt compelled to write is something personal I am dealing with and working through.
Sometimes life is a little too messy and you lay awake at night with what my girl “S” says is “monkey-mind”. I have been laying awake at night a lot lately…Maxwell has been super sick, and dealing with an upcoming dental surgery. Trevor, though he is doing well in drug treatment, I worry so much about him, about how he will do once he gets out…he is successfully participating and doing everything he needs to do, he calls me and we have group therapy sessions….overall that is a good thing. Maxwell, my sweet guy….do your carers give you hugs? Do they tell you stories? I can only imagine yes. He has a million books and they seem to have such a good relationship with him…. He is so much better than he was when he went into the group home. He still has self injury however not to the extent that it was and is still not having any meaningful ways of communication still not pottying, but he is clothed most of the time and that’s something right? Stone has job and is still going to college, he is getting along pretty good. Christopher has his last IEP of elementary school coming up and I am at a loss. How do I even begin to let this boy go to middle school? It seems so scary to me. He will still be in a self contained class…and I think that is the only solace I have.
I have been having some health issues and am trying to deal with it. It started in June, they found a spot on a mammogram that was in need of more views, so they did, and it was still there and so they said let’s look at it in 6 months, so they did and it was still there so again, in a few months they will check it again and hopefully it hasn’t changed…..back in December, I was diagnosed with fibroids in my uterus. I decided to change my diet and repeat the CT scan, why not? they were squishing my boobs anyways right? So I was diagnosed with kidney stones but 13 years ago was diagnosed with chronic kidney disease I have less than 40% function due to a birth defect that gave me an itty bitty kidney, and thank goodness for it because the itty bitty guy functions way better than the typical sized kidney. I had been searching for a new nephrologist because mine actually had a fatal scuba diving accident. I had been waiting on an appt. and finally this week I will be seen, hopefully with a plan of action as to what to do with the stones. I tried Stone breaker, a natural remedy, but I wasn’t having any luck with it. Who is this lady I thought to myself? You run marathons, you flip tractor tires, you wrangle chickens and kids and cats and you are strong…you do IEP meetings and fight insurance companies for kids’ therapies. You are not weak, bitch, you got this.
I realized something this week, when you are crying in the middle of a parking lot on the ground and someone helps you up and tells you its gonna be okay and offers a hug, keep those people around you. Because like Atreyu and Artax, The Nothing will swallow you whole if you allow it to. Atreyu made it out, but Artax let the swamp of sadness kill him. Atreyu tried to help Artax, but in the end it was up to Artax and he couldn’t do it. Sadness and depression and anxiety are some of the hardest most intense things I have ever gone through and live with. Some days are worse than others..others I try to feel the sunshine. If after my three analogies of The Neverending story in my blogs and you still don’t know Atreyu and Artax, do yourself a favor, watch it.
We often place our self worth and meaning in what others view about us, what they view about us is just their view, their truth, their opinion.
At night, as you lay your head on your pillow, what do you think about? What fills your mind? What makes your soul ache? What brings you joy? If you don’t know all these answers… please keep searching unabashed.
continue to hope
I will continue to climb the rock wall of life, barefoot, covered in baby oil.