In lieu of Christmas card this year, I am doing a blog. I haven’t blogged in some time. The main reason is my life has been insane, and I am working three jobs currently, not sleeping a lot. I am also sick with whatever cold these people had last few weeks. It hit me like a ton of bricks a few days ago and it has me feeling pretty rough. This Christmas is by far the most different Christmas we have ever experienced…and by far the most poor. We got the kids 4-5 small gifts each. Jesus only got three right….? so they can manage. It really made me think of how increasingly commercialized this holiday has become, because honestly no matter what you celebrate, you are inundated with Christmas stuff. It’s just too much. Going into debt for a million gifts is not my idea of a good time. When people have talked to me about how much they are spending or what they are getting their kids, how do I say, ” I am just trying to keep the power on this Christmas”…Its not my place, that is their stress, their reality, I just realize what people value and most people value stuff.
I am learning to deal with my anxiety better, not great but better. I am working on it, I have had a few really dark days the last year, but it’s getting better. I have endured some physical trauma and I am just learning healthier ways to function. I realized it was affecting me and my family in more ways than I possibly ever could have imagined.
Trevor is in jail awaiting a commitment program. In this program he will receive drug treatment. They were going to send him home again, but I told the judge if you send him home, he will die. The drug use was so rampant Its likely going to be roughly three hours away. I have seen him once and though it was a good visit, on the way home, I heard,”I’ll Be Home for Christmas”, and cried.
Maxwell is home with us for a few days and the visit so far has been pretty good, he is fairly calm and remaining dressed. His SIB was rough last night before bed. I am trying to maintain his schedule as best I can just like the group home, but I know the transition being home is hard on him..but overall he is doing well. He turned 10 this past Thursday, his class celebrated. Though he still doesn’t have any real meaningful communication, he isn’t as self injurious and last night asked to get a shower by taking his dad’s hand to his shirt, instead of just stripping naked. He’s made some great progress. He still does some face slapping, hand biting and nose punching but its down tenfold. Taking him back to the group home will be very hard.
Christopher is enjoying himself this Christmas, he got a playmobil set and set it up himself. He loves it. He also got a new bike.
Stone is having a lot of anxiety too, he’s expressed feeling sad about Trevor not being with us, but he knows that is where he needs to be.
I have another diagnostic mammogram on January 15th to see if the nodule they are watching is still the same or changed in size or shape. I am hopeful it will remain the same.
The last few months have been really challenging leading up to now…but like in the old claymation Christmas show,”Santa Claus is coming to town”, they sang, Put one foot in front of the other…I guess that’s what I am trying to do, what we are all trying to do.
I am not one for New years resolutions, though I make a living off of people and their new years resolutions…we all typically want a fresh start, a new way, a clean slate, and we all deserve it.
So whatever it is you seek in this new year, may you find it, unabashed.
I will continue to hope, I will continue to climb the rock wall of life, barefoot, covered in baby oil.