Baring your soul isn’t easy, and its been months since I have blogged anything. I often will use old movies as a jumping off point…old movies are always the same, they never change, and the end result will always be exactly how you remembered it to be.
As I took off my sloggers covered in mud and sand from cleaning the chicken coop, I was thinking….just like Artax who couldn’t make it through the swamp and got stuck and died, sadness overwhelmed him. Atreau had to watch his beloved horse die. Being depressed often feels like this and this analogy in The Neverending Story, though I have used it before, it is so clear to me what drowning in depression is. The entire movie… the characters are running from the “nothing”, a storm. Scary black clouds, whirling winds to wipe out everything in its path, the nothing is a storm inside many of us, and maybe even all of us. I am not saying everyone is depressed or lives with chronic anxiety, but a lot of us do. What “nothing” am I running from? There are many things that have happened over the last few years that have had moments of breaking me…I have tried to rise above them…I guess I just pushed them further down.
I often feel like I spend my life trying to help others better themselves, it’s my job and I enjoy my job…….yet when it comes to my own life, it’s an absolute mess, ripping at the seams. It is a odd thing, to put on a smile and try to ignite a room for energy or pump someone up through a workout when in reality, you are full of anxiety, full of fear, full of heartache.
A few weeks ago marked the one year mark that Maxwell has been at the group home, he is doing well, but somehow, I struggle with it still…he is there, I am here…it’s not suppose to be this way. I often have guilt about it…when his carers or therapists send me pictures or I see him and see how he interacts with them, I often wonder why I couldn’t fix him, I am his mom, and yet I couldn’t help him as much as I tried. It’s a guilt thing I struggle with daily and even as good as he is doing there….I can’t help but wish he was with me. Selfish I guess. I still have hope
Christopher is doing pretty good and getting acclimated to the new school year, and of course his favorite holiday is coming up, Halloween, in fact, I will today, give him his first walk thru of the Spirit Halloween store of the year, there will indeed likely be 57 more walk throughs before the Halloween season is over. He gives me hope for smiles…and a lot of them.
Stone is adjusting to the fall semester back at college. He still lives at home, maybe one day he will be functioning enough to live on his own. I have hope.
Trevor is still wrapped deep within the confines of the legal system and that is by choice. He had moved out for a few months, but he got kicked out of where he was so he is back. He is maintaining a full-time job, and I am trying to continue to have hope.
There are some other things that are going on that I can’t blog about but need to talk about because its causing me immense heartache and intense anxiety.
I will continue to hope, I will continue to climb the rock wall of life, barefoot, covered in baby oil.