feel everything with your whole heart

Feel everything with your whole heart, allow every soul crushing and heart lifting moment come to you and don’t shut them out or hide behind them.

I literally break my own heart about 5000 times a day.  It’s not my heart’s fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my children’s fault ( well most of them) …but honestly I can say with true certainty that for every day for nearly 20 years, my heart breaks a little, some days a lot.

Yesterday and today were a lot.  I brought Maxwell home for Christmas, many of you know he’s in a behavioral group home, something I fought to get him for awhile, years…and yet now that I got him the help he needs, it doesn’t make it any easier.  He is super self-injurious this weekend, and I know he’s out of his routine of the the group home, but its so incredibly hard to watch.  I have spent 90% of the time since I have gotten him trying to get him to not self injure.  Head banging, punching his eye sockets, punching his nose til its bloody, and eye gouging.  It is absolutely heart-wrenching.  No parent wants to watch their child suffer, and most parents would take that child’s place.  I feel as though some days I would rather die than watch him like that.  Don’t get your panties in a twist, I am not threatening to kill myself, however, I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about it.  It breaks me, brings me to my knees.  It’s out of my control yes, however its still my son, the child I grew in my belly, they all are.  They all are suffering and most of their issues are out of my control.  I have never been a control freak.  I usually go with the flow, you must when you live with people who get naked at the grocery store.  Lately, I feel a shift, a movement within me to do something more than I already am.  I struggle with this feeling because I am stretched so emotionally and physically as I am…but I can’t stop the feeling from coming.  I don’t know yet what this means, but I know big change is going to occur, within me; emotionally, physically and mentally and most importantly spiritually.  I have tried to work on these one at a time, it does not work that way, we are not robots, we are human and we feel everything.   So I must go back to the drawing board and look deeper and focus. Challenging myself on all of these levels will help me grow.  

As of late, My ten year old Christopher has been not well, losing weight and going through something medical on top of his autism.

 Stone, my oldest is struggling too ( though high functioning autistic) he is legally blind and will never drive.  He doesn’t understand a lot of common sense stuff, the type of stuff that would keep him safe, street smarts, but ask him a date and something about history and he will tell you the day it was on.

 Trevor my only “typically” developing kid is back in trouble with the law and expelled from school… meaning more court dates, more stress and more of a strain between he and I and our already struggling relationship.

If feelings aren’t right or wrong then I feel sad, I feel broken, I feel like I am at the end of my rope and barely hanging on…

Climbing the rock wall of life, barefoot, covered in baby oil with no chalk bag in sight.


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