the blog with no title

Why is life a constant 5 steps forward 17 steps back?  I guess that is the way it goes.  Some people will read this an roll their eyes, maybe not even get onto the next paragraph…that’s cool, because primarily I write this for therapeutic value for myself.

I will begin with my oldest and work my way down with what’s going on in my life right now.  Tomorrow, my oldest son Stone, 19, starts college.  I have a lot of mixed emotions about this.  Though high functioning has very little street smarts.  Socially very withdrawn.  This will be a huge struggle for him, however I am hopeful, remaining hopeful and that’s where I will stay with this.  He can and will accomplish this.

Trevor, my 16 year old has been headed down a path of self destruction for quite sometime.  Absolutely refuses to listen to authority, has had 7 felonies by the time he was 15 ..FELONIES, WTF????  okay people make mistakes right?  live and learn?  right?  He obviously has not hit bottom yet.   This past Friday, the third day of school, I went to wake him for school, he wasn’t in his bed, I went crazy, worried, calling his phone, can’t get a hold of him.  Okay Amy, hold it together, maybe he will show to school, nope… truant on day three of school.  So by 2nd period no call no show, no show to school, like any parent I become increasingly worried and call the police.  When then I proceeded to be scolded by the officer that my son ran away and I needed to be a parent. … Okay, big picture here, kid still missing, regardless of if he ran away or whatnot, he is not here, he is a minor, I am responsible for him and I don’t know where he is.  In the process of the cop filing the report I got a text from Trevor.  I called him, the cop asked to speak to him, he was eluding questions, not wanting to give names or addresses.  I got my son back.  Saturday night, again he never came home again, the police have made me feel like I am an idiot for reporting him a runaway….so today I have not.  However, I have done my best in trying to guide him in the best way.  He is 16 and refuses absolutely refuses to follow instruction, authority or abide by any rules.  Friday night/Saturday morning 4 am I got a call from the police, your son is walking the streets, please come pick him up.  SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL?!  What do I do?  I have been dealing with this with him for years.  I am over it.  Over the sleepless nights worried about him.  How do I deal with a 16 year old who refuses to realize he is still very much a minor ?  No reasoning works.  Counseling, medication…all of it ….he refuses all of it.  My heart hurts.  He curses, has hit me, I have found drugs in his room, showed the cops you know what they said…how do we know you didn’t plant that?  Are you kidding me?  Do I look like I have time for plotting against a kid who is plotting against himself.  All of these go away ranches, boystowns etc.  Not one of them will take him due to his past criminal history.   I thought those places were for troubled teens…oh they are, but the kid has to be willing, unless its a court ordered program, which after 7 felonies you’d think he would have been in one right?  Well no, he completed his probation, and they said be a good boy, knowing full well, next time it would most likely be big boy jail.    All he does is cuss at me, and lately he has been telling me I just gave Max away…not caring how hard I fought to get Max the intense treatment he needed.  He is 16, stuck between a child and a man, closer to a child looking at the pattern of his behavior.  I love him so much…It’s Sunday night, at 9pm and I have zero clue where my son is.  He is choosing a path ..a path that a parent should never have to watch her child go down.

Christopher is going through some more neurological issues.  He has been saying,”bees, buzz, head”  and dealing with the staring spells again which turned out to be silent seizures, we go back to the neurologist on Tuesday.  Hopeful for a some positive news.

Maxwell is obviously still in an intensive behavioral group home.  He is adjusting.  I miss him so much.  88e7d617b581065933cf54f751847861I miss his shamu splashdown in the bathroom, I miss his freckles, but I know this treatment is necessary right now for him to gain the constant behavioral redirection that he so deeply needs.


-Continuing to climb the rock wall of life, barefoot and covered in baby oil…looking for my bag of chalk to keep me from slipping


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