This blog goes out to all the moms who are fighting for therapies, fighting insurance companies, praying to hear the word, “momma”, just once, for all the mommas that have lost babies, or gave babies a new home because they had to, and the ones that never had babies but ached to and still are trying, to the stepmommas that “STEPPED IN” and were a momma when they married into a family, to the mommas that have lost a partner and have been the role of momma and daddy, to the mommas struggling with something aching for someone to see her, the mommas that have been up for 2 days straight living on caffeine, to the ones that keep it together and still look cute in high heels and makeup and the ones that haven’t brushed their teeth and are in the same yoga pants and flipflops for 3 days, to the ones that have teenagers screaming at them, to the ones shake their head in disbelief silently judging the other mommas, to all the single daddies that have to act as both momma and daddy, thank you! To all the moms who work multiple jobs and struggle to put food on the table and the moms cradling her baby in a shelter starting over, Happy Mother’s day. Keep your chin up, you are doing the best you can! I love you all!
As I write this, I am in sweat pants, flip flops, a t-shirt and hair in a pony tail, I already went to the store like this because a kid needed a new charger for an iPad or some crap like that.
I really don’t like birthdays or holidays or stuff like that, its just becomes increasingly more difficult with Maxwell in a group home and Trevor in drug treatment. I feel like these things at one time meant so much to me, now they are just days that all bleed together.
Friday I went down south to take Maxwell to the dentist. I won’t go into specifics but we’ve been trying to get him into this dentist since April and it finally happened. He had a decaying tooth that needed an extraction and then last week … at school he broke his front tooth off. Max is on 2 psychotropic medications that make his behaviors much more manageable, and less self injurious… however it makes him getting sedated that much more challenging because his tolerance is built up. So after 2 doses of Versed and 2 Ketamine shots, he was finally relaxed enough. I had had this experience one other time when he was getting an MRI, they had given him two doses of Ketamine and he was still writhing. Often with Max its like adrenaline kicks in and takes over, no matter the amount of drugs given. He made it, they wheeled him out, he was a mess, blood everywhere completely out of it. The nurse, Maxwell’s carer and I all piled into a very small elevator, we got downstairs and I hurried to get all the soft food and all of his stuff in the car, I wrapped this giant 10 year old baby who doesn’t talk and still wears diapers in his blankie and kissed him goodbye. The BCBA hugged me and reassured me it will be okay. I thanked him for his help and putting up with my pain in the ass ways.
I then sat in my truck, and cried for a long time… I called my mom, I reached out to the one person who sacrificed everything for me, my mom. I did not keep her long, but I needed to hear her voice…as I ended the conversation and headed back on my 3 hour trek home, I took out my Billie Holiday CD and turned on the radio, “Life is a highway” was on, how many times we listened to that over and over jumping on the trampoline for hours, watching CARS over and over and over, tears rolled down my cheeks, and then I smiled.
These boys are always with me…..no matter what it looks like. It may not be ideal, it may be sad, it may hurt, but every struggle, every triumph, every defeat, every meltdown, everything was so carefully destined for me. This is my path as a mom and I cherish it. I am so thankful. My 4 boys are why I am here.
continue to hope, unabashed
I will continue to climb the rock wall of life, barefoot, covered in baby oil.